Difficult parents have been a growing source of frustration for superintendents, principals and teachers as COVID-era battles over masks have morphed into a new round of culture wars and curriculum challenges. We here at District Administration thought we’d offer some assistance by going over best practices old and new for connecting with disgruntled parents and caregivers.
No. 1: Let’s start with a make-or-break kind of tip—no surprises. Try to prevent parents from becoming difficult in the first place. “This is probably the most important thing to keep in mind throughout the year: Make sure you keep parents apprised of any issues,” veteran educator Suzanne Capek Tingley recommends. For instance, if a student has learning problems and needs to be tested, contact parents early to get the student analyzed and back on track.
2. Never ignore. If you’ve reached this point, the consistent communication suggested above hasn’t solved the problem: “If a parent is angry, don’t ignore it.” That comes from the National Education Association pre-pandemic, but this guidance for teachers and other educators remains on point about what to do, for instance, when you receive that angry e-mail.
“What you notice first in a note like that is that they’re upset, but often what they’re really looking for is your side of the story. Don’t take their feedback personally, and try to provide information or context that they may not have had initially as quickly as you can,” suggests, adding a warning: “The longer you ignore it, however, the more upset the parent may become.”
3. Stay calm. This is obviously challenging—and essential—in the face of anger and abuse. “Obviously, you can’t break out in a yoga pose as a parent unloads, but there are simple and subtle ways of settling your mind,” educator Anne Gomez Rubin writes on We Are Teachers. Gomez suggests relaxing your shoulders, unclinching your jaw, and breathing deeply. “When you can stay calm, you can stay in control.”
4. Protect others. When dealing with a parent who has a history of being verbally abusive, administrators must protect teachers and other staff. “While it’s not important or appropriate to share all the details, you can tell them when a parent has a history of bullying adults in the school building,” Gomez advises. “Let them know that you are their ally and be prepared to step in when necessary.”
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5. End unproductive meetings. If emotions start to boil over or language becomes abusive, it may be time to pause and reschedule the meeting. NEA recommends bringing in a third party to help ease tensions at the follow-up. Gomez adds: “Standing up from your desk and opening the door is the universal symbol of a finished conversation,” she counsels. “On the phone, ending the conversation can be challenging. If you can’t get a word in edgewise, speak calmly over the parent and let them know that you are hanging up.”
6. Create guidelines for behavior. Phew, now we’re back to being proactive. “When you notice that bad behavior has become widespread, consider creating guidelines for parent behavior,” suggests Gomez. She connected with a school administrator in Sydney, Australia, who uses a parent code of conduct to keep expectations clear in her pre-K-through-12 community.
7. Finally, a little humor. Know with whom you’re dealing. Difficult parents are as diverse as the children or causes for which they’re advocating. This breakdown from the National Association for Secondary School Principals aims to help administrators identify—and successfully communicate with—10 types of disgruntled parents. For instance, when dealing with the “Distrustful of Public Education Parent,” administrators should avoid falling into a power struggle over who is “right or wrong” and focus on what is best for the student.
*Note: The quote in the sub-headline comes from Brett J. Novick, a certified social worker and family therapist in New Jersey.
